my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
