Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
