No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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