So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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