I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
