I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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