I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
