he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
