the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Welp...herpes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
