i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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