yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
