me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
