I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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