Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
