I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
