i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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