Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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