he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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