the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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