Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
