Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
