if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
