just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
