I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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