I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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