this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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