Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
