Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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