I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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