This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Oh god it's open bar.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
