totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
