my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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