Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
