Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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