At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
