I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
