I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
