i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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