I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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