Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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