Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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