Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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