the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wish there were birth control emojis
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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