I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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