Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
