I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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