Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
cat food counts as protein by the way
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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