I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
