So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
