i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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