Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
